Exodus 8:15 But when Pharaoh saw that there was relief, he hardened his heart and would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the LORD had said.
I understood I was the common denominator. The problem. And. I knew how I wanted to feel when I emerged. Free.
After I left my husband I repeated the same self abusing pattern with my younger Brother in a business relationship. The same wanting to make someone happy without understanding I needed to own my inner space. The same “I’m not good enough” drama. The same feeling of being enslaved with no option and no possibility of leaving. Because now it was worse. It was a beloved family member.
I did not learn my lesson so up it came again. Giving me another opportunity to heal.
As Socrates said “may the inward and outward man be as one.”
It was going inward so I could emerge outwardly.
It was looking into my heart so I could see the world.
It helped that I had no idea what lay in front of me. It helped that I was in so much anguish about not getting it. AGAIN. It helped that I had tried absolutely everything to figure it out. It helped that I had spent my life facing and working outward. I was ready for the inward look. I was ready to solve my problem.
It got biblical.
Enter Moses. Moses was always part of a bigger plan. He had to have faith. He had to follow without knowing for sure. He had to listen and lead and be unsure and still know it was okay. He had to face the derision of his peers. He had to shed his shoes. He had to do all kinds of things that made no earthly sense.
I laughed long and hard when remembering our family’s ritual viewings of Cecile B. Demille’s The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner that was such a part of our upbringing.
It was consistent entertainment. Solid. Every year. Clock work. Easter. After Lent.
Being raised Catholics, we knew all the sayings, all the pieces of the script. None of it made sense but the sheer thrill of Charlton Heston and Yul Brenner facing off thrilling.
I never connected the bible with the movie, but once you make the connection, decode its deeper meanings, the symbology and information offered up by the bible will never be the same.
I didn’t get there were broader themes at work in my life until I was unable to crack through my despair. Until I was ready to look within at my patterns free from judgment. Until I was able to see with loving thoughts.
As a kid growing up with my two brothers we used The Ten Commandments as a point of reference. My older Brother wove its wisdom into our playground activities. He would announce when my younger Brother, irritated by something, picked up the football in the middle of a game and ran away, in essence halting the play, taking his ball and going home.
“Pharaoh has hardened his heart” with a wry smile and everyone would chuckle.
We didn’t have a ball to play with anymore. But we did have a laugh. It was godlike in its simplicity and accuracy. It served its purpose and today, when my little Brother does a “freeze out” with someone in his life. We go back to the voice and say “Pharaoh has hardened his heart.” And we all get what took place. We all get that my sensitive little Brother needed to shut down. When “Pharaoh hardened his heart” there was no going back.
Anyone have a stubborn streak that won’t quit? Put that into a 24 pack and that’s what my younger brother served up. Wild and wooly and impossible to work with stubborn. Due to the deeply set wounds and similar ways of carrying said wounds dealing with my younger brother was always traumatic, because neither one of us had a handle on how to interact with the wound other than to hide it, push it down and subjugate the experience in whatever tool set was available.
